Not With A Bang

I slept through both scans. Lying still for 40 minutes or so, trying not to notice the scanner plate two inches from my face, with instructions not to move - of course I fell asleep.

This morning was the blood draw; I was due at Quest on Austin Street at 7:30. Now, I was a tiny bit behind - but apparently all of Forest Hills had decided that they needed to be at Quest first thing this morning. Nobody had an appointment, only two phlebotomists were working, and man did everyone get cranky when I got to go in. (You know, because I had an appointment.) Granted, it was not a great stick - the good bleeder is the vein on the outside of my arm, and she used the one on the inside...and the bruise is enormous. 

Then I went down to Beth Israel, and got right in and got in the scanner. And after I got out, the radiologist who'd spoken to me on Monday (about Ramah, and offering to be a medical reference for a future shidduch who might have questions about my health and cancer history) brought me into his office, and showed me the pictures. He said the scan could not have gone any better.

So pending the results of the blood draw, it appears that I'm fine.

After consuming every waking thought for the past three weeks, the scan process is over. It was quick, and I was surprised by how fast it happened. 

Thursday Morning

The first three days were cake. I don't like needles but I can handle shots, and I take pills like a pro.

Today, though? Today I'm nervous. And it's like my phone knew it, because as soon as I sat down on the bus what music started? The Musical Heritage Society recording of Pachelbel's Canon - for my money, the most beautiful recording of it I've ever heard.

So I'm sitting here, trying to be calm (trying is the operative word, of course). 19 blocks left to go.

Today is Wednesday (Day 3)

First off, this has struck me funny for three days and I just thought to take a picture of it this morning.

On Monday morning, I asked if the hospital didn't want anyone to know that Nuclear Medicine was there.

I am officially radioactive. So, babies and preggos, stay at least 6 feet away for the next two days, okay? 

Right now I just feel resigned. It's just happening - there's no way to turn back now, even if I wanted to. Not that I actually do, I suppose; it's just getting bigger and realer.

Today is Tuesday (day 2)

The very last thing I want to do is lull myself into a false sense of security, as that would be at best ridiculous and at worst detrimental.

But with that said...today was a lot of the same. Three major differences:
1. I arrived before the old panicky lady.
2. Today's shot was administered by Dr. Gonzales rather than Dr. Goldfarb.
3. Right arm, not left.

This week's biggest challenge has been making sure I tailor my wardrobe to that day's activity (as well as, you know, the weather). So the last two days I've worn sleeveless dresses with cardigans, for easy access to  shot locations. Thursday and Friday, I figure pants for the scan, so as to prevent any inadvertent flashage - and Friday easy sleeves, for the blood draw. Tomorrow? Whatever I want! Woohoo!

Now I have a canister of quick oats at my desk ('cause breakfast, of course). I'm a little miffed that I didn't think to track down saltless mixed nuts previously, because that's so much more exciting in trail mix than just plan cashews. And lunch? Pesto pasta.

What Gil(d)a Ate

Those who know me are generally (very kindly) indulgent about my obsession with Saturday Night Live. People nod and smile when I start quoting old sketches, and tend to be okay with the fact that I've basically memorized chunks of Live From New York (the SNL oral history). So here's one story:

During the first season, before people really knew who the cast were, they would basically warm up the audience at shows. Everyone would just come out, do a couple of minutes, give the audience a chance to get to know them as people. Gilda Radner did a thing called "What Gilda Ate," where she would literally sit on the edge of the stage and tell the audience what she'd eaten that day.

I have been doing that sort of thing here... so here's today.

Bananas. My stomach has been upset for several days - I think from nerves about this whole situation - so many bananas today. Pasta with tomato sauce, and for dinner...chicken soup, and rice.

Today is Monday (day 1)

Today? Today was the easy part. Well, sort of.

The most complicated parts of today were the buses and the old lady. This morning, I left the house about an hour earlier than I normally do, and took the bus to the city with my father. I got to my desk, took care of a couple of things, put my lunch in the refrigerator (a very important step, as we all know); and then headed out to the M15 Select bus down Second Avenue. (I got the 7-day unlimited MetroCard with express bus capability for this week, damn if I'm not going to get my money's worth.) My bus-standing skills continue to improve.

My appointments every day this week are at 9 AM. The woman with the 10 o'clock appointments was there at the same time. She was in her seventies and panicking about the testing. When I arrived she was asking questions, like, "I have to be here every day for a week? Will this hurt? Is it scary?"

And me? I'm not scared about the testing, just what it might portend. So I was busy trying to be upbeat, and be a good role model for the old lady.

The doctor lost the injection site. I mean, he gave me the shot, and then it took him a minute to find the injection site to put a bandage on it (I forget from time to time how freckly my arms are).

But all told, today was easy (and pretty painless).

When I got to work? Bananas. To eat, I mean.

May Be

So today is Sunday. At this point it's almost routine - pasta sauces for lunches, pack the lunches, freeze the grapes... but the difference this time is that, well...

Because it'll all be done by Friday. And yes, I'm becoming that insane person who's running around announcing that there will be sushi for lunch on Friday. I assume (that there will be sushi on Friday, not that I'm the insane person - I know that much).

One Day After Day

Monday will mark two weeks of the low-iodine diet, as well as the beginning of the whole-body scan process. And I...

I'm bored. I am bored beyond belief. I mean, this has probably been the healthiest two weeks of my life (in a really long time, if not ever), food-wise, but I am just so over this whole thing. I am over cooking basically every single thing I eat. I am over no dairy. I am over no fish. I'm just over it.

And yeah, some things have been great. I sliced the bread-machine bread tonight, and I plan to have cinnamon toast for dinner. It's good. The blender mayo, best thing ever. And today's lunch, for example, only differed from any other time in that I used non-iodized salt to make the salads.

Maybe it's just because of what this represents, and how scary that is. I don't want to be sick again. I don't want to even have to entertain the thought - and that's what I'm doing right now, basically having to entertain the thought. Also I'm scared (and annoyed) by the fact that I was not given any instructions of any kind on doing this sort of prep in 2010, and so I didn't then. Is it possible that the tests then were messed up because of it? I don't know - but can we say definitively that they weren't?

Ugh.

Thursday: banana; pesto pasta; tea; grape tomatoes and green beans; end of the "spaghetti" and some salad

Friday: banana; romaine salad with egg whites, green beans, avocado, cucumber, tomato, balsamic vinegar and olive oil, and sliced cantaloupe; frozen grapes; chicken soup, crispy beef deckle, pesto potato salad, crazy cake

Today (so far): small piece of crazy cake, tea; chicken, Israeli salad, pesto potato salad; grape tomatoes and tea.

A Little Adjustment

Tonight's dinner was "spaghetti" with meat sauce. I tweaked the standard spaghetti sauce, three cloves of garlic instead of chopped shallots, and shiitake mushrooms instead of button. I cooked some ground beef, cooked a spaghetti squash, and put the whole thing together. Score.

And the rest of the day? Pretty standard...banana, pasta, grape tomatoes, trail mix...salad with dinner.

What's the Difference?

I think the biggest change so far is how much pre-planning I have to do! Truth is that I tend to be kind of seat-of-my pants about a lot of things; having to have a plan that enables me to shop on Sunday and basically know what I'm eating all week is a totally new experience for me. And it's weird, because as much as I'm not a planner I'm definitely a creature of habit: I normally eat the same thing for at least breakfast and lunch every day. If I'm in a restaurant I've been in before, I invariably get something I had the previous time.

So there's a lot of comfort in the LID restrictions - it's a lot of repetition, to be honest.

Yesterday:
breakfast: oatmeal with brown sugar
lunch: ziti rigati with pesto
desktop snacks: green beans, grape tomatoes
dinner: spinach mushroom chicken situation, tabouli

and I fell asleep at 9.

Nothing Monumental

Just to make today a little more fun, I went to the dentist this morning! All is good. And the new recipe I tried for dinner didn't fail, exactly - it wasn't great, it turned out fine, just not as much as some of the other stuff we've done in the last week.

This morning - banana
Desktop snacks: grape tomatoes, trail mix (and a couple cups of tea)
Lunch: ziti rigati with mushroom sauce
Dinner: chicken with portobello mushrooms, jasmati rice, salad
Dessert: frozen grapes

And now I just have to pull myself away from Triple D and go to bed.

Great Success

At our house, Sunday is omelet day. Grocery shopping in the morning, then omelets. Omelets with cheese. And a roll, normally.

So yesterday the question became what on earth to have for breakfast. And the answer was:

Mushroom frittata (I sauteed portobello mushrooms in a little garlic and olive oil - then poured egg whites over it and let it cook). And toast of the bread I made last Sunday with a little margarine.

Cooked all day again - pulled out the bread machine this time, made spaghetti sauce and pesto and...I think that's all. And also last night's dinner (veal, roasted brussels sprouts, baked Korean yams, Israeli salad [and I cut my thumb while dicing tomatoes]).

The Long and Winding Road

I spent yesterday at Relay for Life of Fordham College Lincoln Center. I participate in their Relay each year, and speak at the Luminaria ceremony at the day's end about my cancer journey. I wear my purple shirt proudly, and I'm honored to be part of this community (even for this one day).

As I said here a couple of days ago, the irony of this time is that all I'm thinking about is food and cancer. So I went off to Relay with a Trader Joe's bag full of food, and held my head up when the dinner pizza came out.

I had homemade peanut butter sandwiches (homemade peanut butter and homemade bread!), tabouli, grape tomatoes, and some trail mix over the course of the day, and for dinner some chicken and salad.

Still tired - but it's a good kind of tired.

Perks

When you're friends with someone, good things happen.

When your friends are friends with the chef at a fun restaurant, really good things happen.

To wit: Friday night's dinner. After discussing the whole list with Chef Natasha, I wound up with buckwheat with mushrooms and potatoes and arugula.  

A Successful Experiment

It's Midtown Manhattan. It's midtown Manhattan and convenience abounds. Within two blocks of the office there's sushi and pizza and Subway and about fifteen restaurants and three delis and that's just going northeast.

So today I tried something different. I went to the salad bar in one of the delis - I got sliced fruit off the cold bar, and went to the make-it-for-you station for a salad. (One of my favorite things about living in New York, no joke, is the make-it-for-you salad bar station. Those guys always get the proportions right, no fear about anyone sneezing on your food, no awkward reaching...it's brilliant.) And I think it worked.

Lunch: spinach salad with egg whites, green beans, tomatoes, cucumbers, avocado, dressed with balsamic vinegar and olive oil; sliced cantaloupe and a couple of strawberries.

The Simple Things

Last night was leftovers. It was meat leftovers and my parents waited for me to start dinner. (a little brisket, a little chicken, a little couscous, some cucumber slices.)

So yes, this is all scary and frustrating. The fact that my main focus for these three weeks is food and cancer is kind of overwhelming. Part of the whole point of doing this is to have an outlet for those feelings.

And the kindness of those of you who are reading this is also overwhelming. Even the simple things, like waiting for me to start dinner.

(And dammit, Jen, you made me cry a little.)

This morning: another bowl of oatmeal.

Crazy Slowly Am I Going

For the record, this sucks. I've got a headache (despite the fact that I'm busy drinking water like it's going out of style), and I'm more forgetful than normal.

Yesterday I cried at work. And today, I spent fifteen minutes stomping around the floor, announcing that someone had stolen my lunch (or someone had cleaned out the refrigerator and thrown it away). The reason I couldn't find my lunch in the refrigerator is that I hadn't put it in the refrigerator, and it was still in the bag at my desk. This hair-trigger temper thing is really starting to bug me.

Thus far today:
breakfast - oatmeal with brown sugar
desktop snacks - green beans, grape tomatoes, a little trail mix
lunch - cavatappi pasta with avocado sauce
beverages - water, and a cup of Plantation Mint tea

Hello, Sue... I've Got Legs!

Today, I ate a lot of bread. Bread I made, of course, as I'm making pretty much everything I'm eating these days...but a very carby day.

Breakfast: bread with homemade peanut butter
Lunch: pasta with homemade mushroom sauce
Snacks: grape tomatoes, clementine
Dinner: leftover chicken sandwiches (with blender mayo!), Israeli salad
Dessert: frozen grapes

Maybe...Just Maybe

So, granted, it's only day 2. But so far, apart from having to be a little more intentional about my time (breakfast at home, packing lunch, etc), it's not as big a deal as I'd thought.

Maybe it's because I've been keeping kosher my entire life, and have been doing the ALCAT thing for two years. Maybe I'm a little more used to food restrictions than I thought. I check ingredients for my sensitivities, and I don't buy groceries unless I know they're kosher. It makes me used to checking for stuff. Maybe that's why I haven't been as direly freaked out as so many people tend to be by LID.

With that said:
breakfast: oatmeal with brown sugar
lunch: cavatappi pasta with creamy avocado sauce
today's desk snacks: green beans, grape tomatoes, trail mix
dinner: spinach with mushrooms and chicken (from the LID cookbook), tabouli

The Best Way

So what's the best thing to do for the first LID dinner? Go to a Japanese restaurant, of course!

It was trivia night ('90s sitcom trivia, come to it) at Amber. We were sitting at the bar; I arrived a little after the rest of my team, and they all had gotten these piles of gorgeous sushi and these amazing-smelling hot entrees. And me? I had a bowl of white rice (and two glasses of wine).

Maybe kicking off the diet with dinner in the face of all the things I'm avoiding wasn't the smartest move. But damn if it doesn't seem like everything's a little less overwhelming now.

And hooray for Team Fine By Me - we came in second (by only one point!) and won a $50 gift certificate to Amber. (We're coming back when I can actually eat.)

Day One

Yesterday I got ready. I cooked - I baked two loaves of bread; made mayonnaise, mushroom spaghetti sauce, creamy avocado sauce; I froze two pounds of green grapes; I also made last night's dinner for my family (veal, smashed potatoes [to celebrate the end of potato skins], roasted brussels sprouts).

And today here we are. Part of the big adjustment here is going to be the mornings. I have to take my morning meds at least half an hour before I eat, so my typical routine on workdays has been to take my pills last thing before I leave the house, then grab breakfast (usually a bagel with lox spread) once I get here. And now, between no commercial baked goods, no dairy, and no fish, that's clearly not an option.

So this morning? Oatmeal. Oatmeal with a little brown sugar.

For lunch, cavatappi pasta with the sauce I made yesterday. And today's official desktop nosh is LID-friendly trail mix (unsalted cashews, Pesach chocolate chips, and raisins).

What Does This Mean?

Let's talk a little bit about overreacting. This is completely routine. Will there ever be a day when I'm not always concerned that a recurrence is on its way?

Getting Ready

One week from tomorrow, I'm starting the low-iodine diet in preparation for my first full-body scan. I know this is not a big deal - people do this every day. So why am I blogging it?

A couple of reasons. Firstly, to have a record to look back at when it's time to do this again. Just because I haven't had a scan in almost three years doesn't mean I'll get to wait this long between now and the next one.

Secondly, to get through it better. I wrote all through my diagnosis, surgery, and treatment - and that helped a lot. I know it helped the people who were wondering what was going on, but it also really helped me. And even though there's no reason to think that the cancer has returned, scan time is still something that worries me.

Now, what's that title about? Easy. When I was a little kid, my parents would sing snatches of a song that seemed funny - funny enough that they would dissolve in giggles after the second line. Later I found out that a later line went, "I asked the waiter for iodine / but I dined all alone."

So here we are. I'm definitely pushing non-LID foods this week (cheese and canned mushrooms in my omelet this morning! smashed potatoes with skin with dinner!). I'll be sharing prep ideas, recipes that look like they might work, and of course every day's menus.